Wednesday, 13 November 2013

I Don't Care - Or Do I?

So, I decided to start this up again. I can't commit to keeping it up to date an regularly posting but I think I will find posting here cathartic and that is my reason for choosing to do so. 

Several weeks ago I saw a post on someones facebook that said 'What other people think of you is none of your business' At the time I believe I both liked and shared the post. It's another way of saying that people that listen in to others conversations never hear good of themselves. I believed that from a very early age. 

Unfortunately over the last couple of months several people have insisted on either telling me what they think directly or letting me know what other people think by anonymously sending me notecards of conversations, or just repeating conversations to me verbatim. 

There are a few 'themes' to the comments and I started to question whether I was in fact the person as described. This concerned me as I didn't want to be that person but one of the other adages I believe is 'there is no smoke without fire'. If several people were saying the same thing then surely there must be an element of truth in it?

The main points in all of the conversations I had were these:

1 - I am an attention whore. I have to be the centre of attention and I don't like it if anyone else is. 
2 - I feed off others. I am false and play off their attention. 
3 - I won't let go of people. 

So, I have spent several weeks thinking about each of these points and discussing them at length with people I trust. These are the counter arguments from my friends

1 - You get attention Kess. You're the owner of a club that means you know ALL the hosts, ALL the dj's and ALL the vips  - at least all the regular ones. When you walk in the club, yes, people say hello, they talk to you and engage with you. That is the nature of your job and the kind of person you are. 
2 - You're not false but you do have a wall. Those that get past it find a sincere and loving person
3 - No you don't. You're loyal - to the point where you will get hurt yourself before you give up a friendship or companionship and it says something about you that your ex's want to still be part of your life. 

And now, these are my thoughts on the subject:
1 - I am not an attention whore. I felt comfortable in my club. It's my safety net. It's where I can go anytime and know people and have a friendly conversation or so I thought. When I go elsewhere, which isn't very often, I stay quiet. I say hello, I may join in conversation but generally I keep myself to myself. As my friends have said, yes, when I walk into !Exodus! people talk to me, they know who I am. I don't wear an Owner of the club tag but people still know because we mainly have regulars. I am proud of the club and the team. 
2 - Anyone that believes I am false is misguided. In fact, if anything I wish I could put more of a lid on my feelings and emotions in SL. Just because you don't see them doesn't mean that I don't have them it means I am a professional and I try to keep things to myself and my close circle of friends wherever possible. 
3 - I agree to a point - I don't let go of people. it's one of my faults. I should let them go a lot earlier than I do' There is usually something I see in someone that I want to help or try to fix. This year I have learnt that you can't do it and that sometimes you have to just let people go. 

The things I found out this year about people and their real opinions of me hurt. I'd like to say that I didn't care and that I brushed it off but I didn't. It bothered me tremendously because that is the kind of person I am. I take things to heart. I'm not weak or naive, I just have a need to please people that goes way back into my childhood and when I don't I feel like I have failed. 

I guess that the message I want to convey here is never say anything to anyone that you don't want to get back to the person you are talking about. Secondly, if someone is criticising someone to you then be careful cos damn sure they will do the same about you. Lastly, never believe that someone is so tough that they can 'take it'. If someone seems impenetrable to you then you just don't know them well enough for them to let you in yet. Everyone has feelings even if you don't see them.